Me in the Eyes of Other People----------张海涛

With the last step done, I was totally a finished product. A worker in white said that I was the last one. A guy in black with a gun in his hand took me up and said :” Look, how beautiful it is! It is our wealth.” Then they packaged me and my lots of brothers.
Some of us were taken to a bank including me. The said guy in black told an employee that he wanted to save all the money. Then the employee checked me very carefully. He mused for a while saying nothing which made the guy in black a little bit nervous. The employee said :”This one is a real one and all your money can be saved in our bank.” So all of us were locked in a strongbox.
In the strongbox, there were some other kinds of cashes which I had never seen. I did not know what to say. So I just kept quiet. However, a cash calling itself “dollar” said to me superciliously:” You, the red guy, I know you are RMB and you are from China. But since I’m from America and I am the leader here, you a fresh man must listen to me. To tell you a truth that almost six of you equals to only one of me. You such a little boy.” Then another cash calling itself “Japanese yen” came to heel :” Yeah, it is right. It is truly the leader here. All of us listen to it. By the way, I am from Japan and I suggest you did the same thing as I did. Otherwise, no one will be your friend.” I felt very confused and very angry. I wanted to counterattack but I didn’t because I knew attacking others was no good. But I didn’t want to make any conflicts so I didn’t say anything. But just a few seconds later, quite a few guys from several strange countries shouted. They said to me :” You should be the leader. We listen to you and we are your friends.” I just shook my head and smiled to them, saying nothing. Then the “dollar”, the “Japanese yen” and those strange guys quarreled hardly but I just kept silence.
What I really wanted to say was that I was just a counterfeit and I was valueless.
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故事情节尚可，但是缺乏扣题的内容，另外请增加学术词汇的使用，句法还可以，请继续努力。文章整体句子稍微偏短，层次不清晰，几乎没有使用衔接词。一些具体的错误如下，my lots of brothers (中式英语，my fellow brothers)，The said guy in black told an employee that he wanted to save all the money. (employee应该是cashier，save换成deposit)，I wanted to counterattack but I didn't because I knew attacking others was no good. (表达有问题，而且和下句的but... 没有明显的转折关系)。