祖思佳（1048213）第四次作业

修改：祖思佳 原作：姜慧琪
education(第三次作业)
Can a diploma guarantee a high-paid job?
Outline:
Part1: put forward the present situation
Part2: analyze the causes
Part3: come to a conclusion
Twenty or even ten years ago, a college student could receive great honor and praise from people around him if he could① receive either good education or a good job with guaranteed high salary that the majority could never obtain. And then the “college-rush” began.
At first, there were few teenagers②who would have the opportunity to receive education, let alone the higher education. With time going on, the higher-education officials started to promote college ③as well as most of the families strove to be the first to send their children to universities. While till now, it is not too hard to guess how many students the higher-education institutions accommodate ④now.
The quality of goods ⑤would not be ensured when the number is getting larger;and similarly, the quality of the colleges could not be guaranteed with the increasing number. Therefore, ⑥as a consequence of that, the ⑦“colleges graduates” now are not the “college graduates” of ten or more years ago any longer. ⑧As a result, the graduates are not as good as those who graduated several years ago. Actually, during staying at school, many of them don’t work very hard at all. They just passively receive the knowledge rather than initiatively absorb it. They go to college just to live up to their parents’ expectation, or go after a campus-fashion, or even escape working directly. They ⑨learn the classes which they have no interest in, do the things that they do not intend to do. Even though ⑩they have various credentials,⑾but it does not mean they have gained enough knowledge of the credentials. In that, for passing the examine and getting the certificate, they ⑿embrace buddha’s feet and pray for help, staying up late for reviewing. However, the outcomes of most subjects are not so dreadful when compared with those who are ⒀ always working very hard. As a consequence, they regard hard working as a ridiculous and useless thing because they just study ⒁ a couple of days and then get a good result. On the contrary, they put their energy on the associations activities, or part-time jobs. They have heard how capable one is if he could join students associations, especially when they compete for being a leader of them. They go after this kind of things so much that they run off the classes and work for the organizations.
And the next problem is the stuff of moonlight clan. Some students are proud because they can make money when they are just students. They think they are superior to others, because others are spending money ⒂ of their mothers’s and their fathers’s, while themselves, ⒃ had already the ability to earn their living. They put the job prior to their study.
What’s more, the campus love is a trouble ⒄ in some extent. Girls and boys, in their puberty to begin to appreciate love, pursue too much of romance. They go on date every day, they want to show their love and care for each other. But how, well, it comes into truth in terms of money. Everything needs money. This is another excuse for doing part-time jobs. Girls go after beautiful clothes and hair styles, even get into the habits of unrealistic comparison. They compare whose clothes are more beautiful, whose hair styles are more attractive, and many other things. They ⒅ chase after fashion and famous brands. Though the goods in a famous brand are especially expensive, they buy those stuffs as their money will never be spent up. Therefore, for fashionable clothes they go to work. While, boys are spending much of their time on computer games. They get addicted on them. Then slowly or quickly, they are completely inattentive to their study.
Finally, they graduate as a college student without what the college student should have. They misunderstand what is important and what is not ⒆ important. Doing one part-time job ⒇ is ok, but they should balance it and study well. So, running off classes, taking too excessive work, purchasing various things, and so on are(21) both causes and effects. They are vicious cycles. (22)As a result, they find it difficult to hunt a job as good as some years before.
What’s more, there are so many graduates today. As a saying goes, when a thing is rare, it becomes precious; but when the cherished things is not rare any more, it cannot worth that much any longer. This adage also goes for the situation of students.
And now there appears a strange phenomenon that the majority of un-graduates have already been unemployed before they become graduates. To tell the truth, the job market is almost full, and then the good, vacant positions of jobs are quite few, especially those with a high salary. (23)Although it is not very hard to get an ordinary job, but the unemployment rate is unbelievably high among those who get higher education. They think that at least they have received education, then they should get a good job. Looking down upon those low-salary jobs, they choose to become one in the unemployed group.
① 中receive连接education可以，但后不能再修饰job，因为此处作者强调的是获得工作，应在or 后加get 等词。
② 定语从句使用错误，后半句中没有体现who，应把who去掉。
③ 前半句和后半句是因果关系而不是简单的并列关系，可将as well as 改为so as to。
④ 此句以while till now 开头，已有表示时间的词，尾处的now 重复。
⑤ 时态有问题。
⑥ 关联词有点重复，因为前后两个关联词都是表示后果。
⑦ 此处缺少修饰或限定词，应说成大学生的质量和以前的无法相比，而不是大学生不是十年前的大学生。最好用比较级能把句意表达的更清楚。
⑧ 和前一句没有句意上的差别，明显重复。
⑨ 搭配不当，一般指学习班，不指学习课程。
⑩ 时态不对，应是完成时。
（11） 英语习惯用法，不可说成though…but。
（12） 中式用法。
（13） Always与进行时连用表示贬义，此处学生学习应是褒义。
（14） A couple of 指一对、一双、两个。用在这里过于中式化。
（15） 所有格运用过于错综复杂。可直接改为money from parents 。
（16） 顺序错误。可改为already had the ability 。
（17） 介词搭配错误。改为to some extent 在某种程度上。
（18） 无此搭配。可将after 去掉。
（19） 应省略，和前面重复，有点多余。
（20） 过于口语化。
（21） Both是两者，而前面列出很多条原因。
（22） 总结得不好，逻辑关系性不强。
（23） Although 和 but 不可搭配，应将其中一者去掉。

我也感觉第②处怪怪的,但是去掉who就更错啦！！！
第⑦处前后对照的部分已经加了“”鸟，嘿嘿，指的是他们的态度等不如以前的大学生，但是没表达清楚哈。我自己写的时候这一句是原因，后面是结果，但是现在读读确实感觉重复。
第⑩处讲述的是一个事实，用一般现在时好一点。
第⒀处always是可以表示褒义的吧？？？
第（14）处 a couple of 可以表示几个，三两个；
第⒃处 have already and already both are right;
第(21)处"both causes and effects" means "on the one hand, they are causes; on the other hand, they are also effects".
谢谢帮我改哦，上面提到的只是个人之见，要是查到更准确的结果，麻烦告诉我哦。深知自己的写作水平，看完已经很不错了。谢啦！唉，只能多写多练喽。

Can a diploma guarantee a high-paid job?
Twenty or even ten years ago, a college student could receive great honor and praise from people around him if he could receive either good education or get a good job with guaranteed high salary that the majority could never obtain. And then the “college-rush” began.
At first, there were few teenagers having the opportunity to receive education, let alone the higher education. With time going on, the higher-education officials started to promote college so as to most of the families strove to be the first to send their children to universities. While till now, it is not too hard to guess how many students the higher-education institutions accommodate.
The quality of goods will not be ensured when the number is getting larger;and similarly, the quality of the colleges could not be guaranteed with the increasing number. As a result, the graduates are not as good as those who graduated several years ago. Actually, during staying at school, many of them don’t work very hard at all. They just passively receive the knowledge rather than initiatively absorb it. They go to college just to live up to their parents’expectation, or go after a campus-fashion, or even escape working directly. They attend the classes which they have no interest in, do the things that they do not intend to do. Even though they have various credentials, it does not mean they have gained enough knowledge of the credentials. In that, for passing the examine and getting the certificate, they make make effort at the last and pray for good luck, staying up late for reviewing. However, the outcomes of most subjects are not so dreadful when compared with those who are always working very hard. As a consequence, they regard hard working as a ridiculous and useless thing because they just study a couple of days and then get a good result. On the contrary, they put their energy on the associations activities, or part-time jobs. They have heard how capable one is if he could join students associations, especially when they compete for being a leader of them. They go after this kind of things so much that they run off the classes and work for the organizations.
And the next problem is the stuff of moonlight clan. Some students are proud because they can make money when they are just students. They think they are superior to others, because others are spending money of their parents, while themselves, had already the ability to earn their living. They put the job prior to their study.
What’s more, the campus love is a problem to some extent. Girls and boys, in their puberty to begin to appreciate love, pursue too much of romance. They go on date every day, they want to show their love and care for each other. But how, well, it comes into truth in terms of money. Everything needs money. This is another excuse for doing part-time jobs. Girls go after beautiful clothes and hair styles, even get into the habits of unrealistic comparison. They compare whose clothes are more beautiful, whose hair styles are more attractive, and many other things. They chase after fashion and famous brands. Though the goods in a famous brand are especially expensive, they buy those stuffs as their money will never be spent up. Therefore, for fashionable clothes they go to work. While, boys are spending much of their time on computer games. They get addicted on them. Then slowly or quickly, they are completely inattentive to their study.Finally, they graduate as a college student without what the college student should have. They misunderstand what is important. Having one part-time job is ok, but they should balance it and study well. So, running off classes, taking too excessive work, purchasing various things, and so on are both causes and effects. They are vicious cycles. As a result, they find it difficult to hunt a job as good as some years before.
In addition, there are so many graduates today. As a saying goes, when a thing is rare, it becomes precious; but when the cherished things is not rare any more, it cannot worth that much any longer. This adage also goes for the situation of students.
And now there appears a strange phenomenon that the majority of un-graduates have already been unemployed before they become graduates. To tell the truth, the job market is almost full, and then the good, vacant positions of jobs are quite few, especially those with a high salary. Although it is not very hard to get an ordinary job, the unemployment rate is unbelievably high among those who get higher education. They think that at least they have received education, then they should get a good job. Looking down upon those low-salary jobs, they choose to become one in the unemployed group.