peer editing

Root, the Unbalanced Development of Economy

A captain and his sailors , who are sailing ship in the ocean, are always paying close attention to iceberg, because they know even though the part of the chunk floating on the su***ce is just a small piece, the part beneath is so terrifying that can break the Titanic. When we put the experience into practice, higher education is only the floating little tiny part, which is ready to be observed, of the giant iceberg named "the causes of social inequality". We should not forget the concealing huge part. I dived and found the latent root is the unbalanced development of economy in different regions of China.
It all starts from the unbalanced distribution of social wealth. In the developed regions, like Beijing and Shanghai, the material condition allows people there to chase for mental life, of which education is a major content. While families in developed regions are afford to the tuition fees, families in underdeveloped countrysides are worrying about the money as well as the breakfast of tomorrow during the dinner time. There are two boys. One is Xiaolei, who lives in a remote village in Gan Su province. The other one is called Xiaowang, the only child of a family from Shanghai. The situation of the two families are entirely distinct. During high school years, Xiaolei's parents have spent 80% of the family income to support his education, the stomachs of the family were suffered. However, the situation in Xiaowang's family was that the education expenses took only 40%of the family income, and they kept good quality of daily life. The heavy burden of money has sacred poor families, forcing them to abandon high school, let alone university.
Following the problem of money, the unbalanced distribution of social wealth brings the second problem—teaching resources, including hardware and software. Based on the strong economy, schools in developed regions do not have to worry about the funds, which means they will get enough money to update their equipment, such as laboratory and dormitory, while the students in underdeveloped regions are sitting in draught in a leaking lodge. In spite of hardware, the software also makes sense. Developed regions are big magnet for well-educated people. Large amount of them pour into the schools in developed regions, which result in the surplus of teaching resources while a teacher is a rarity in underdeveloped regions. There is a primary school in a poor village of Qi Shui town. Mr.Liu is the headmaster and only teacher of the school. He is responsible for all the subjects of three grades, such as Chinese, math, P.E,art and so on. He said all the young people were rushing out of the poor country, and those young people who had went out did not willing to come back. Lacking of both software and hardware, poor students can not get enough strength to get rid of poverty. The differences between the different regions of China is like the differences between heaven and hell.
Until now, readers may wonder why I am always talking about primary education, not higher education. What I want to point out is that a child can go to a university or not depends on his education level before university. Without a good base, how can students pursuit further education? Therefore, analyzing primary education is analyzing higher education. In fact, higher education is the victim of unbalanced distribution of social wealth. The higher education of underdeveloped regions is in a vicious circle—the poorer they are, the less people will get higher education; the less people get higher education, the poorer they will be. However, in developed regions, it is contrast.
I do not deny higher education take part in the causes of social inequality, but the unbalanced distribution of social wealth or the unbalanced development of economy should take the main responsibility of it.

1048310 程璐婷



一． 开头用”iceberg”引入很不错，通过"the tip of iceberg" 和"the whole iceberg"的鲜明对比，生动形象地让读者认识到"social inequality"的根源是"the unbalanced development of economy in different regions of China"。
建议：1“a small piece”可以用“a small tip”,鉴于词组"the tip of the iceberg". 2 “floating little tiny part”作为修饰语有些冗长，而且前文已交代过水上部分体积之小，此处可直接用“floating ”即可，或用“one-eighth of it from above”3“higher education is only the floating little tiny part, which is ready to be observed, of the giant iceberg named 'the causes of social inequality'. We should not forget the concealing huge part.”此句的插入语部分读起来有些拗口，不好理解。4."floating"个人认为重复使用，可改为"drifting"。5."break the Titanic" 可用动词"sank".6".iceberg"为可数名词应用"icebergs".
二．各段围绕主题，段落主题句鲜明，条理清晰，有理有据，但中间由基础教育到高等教育的衔接有点突然，结尾部分也稍显仓促，还应再合理安排一下布局。
三．建议：1.第二段中"material conditions" 前加一个"well-off" 修饰一下，"mental life" 前加一个"highbrow"修饰一下，对比更强烈些。2.“countryside” 为不可数名词。3“.distinct”无不同之意，两者鲜明的不同建议用disparate。4.“family income” 应用复数，而“expenses”表示的是可报销的费用，文中应用expense .
四．建议：1第三段“the second problem—teaching resources”,teaching resources 本身不能作为一种文体，“unbalanced teaching resources”才能算作一种问题。2 “In spite of hardware, the software also makes sense”，in spite of 意思是尽管，此处作者应该想表达的是besides的意思，而make sense 此处的用法我不是很确定。3.magnet应用复数。4. a teacher is a rarity应为teachers,表示师资。5. did not willing应改为were not willing.6. the stomachs of the family根据网上查到的例句应该是“家人”.A delicious scent drifts through the kitchen, causing the stomachs of family and friends to rumble in expectation.厨房中香飘四溢，把家人和朋友们满是期待的肚子都惹得咕咕直叫。但我不确定这种表达在这篇文章中是否合适，因为网上例句相当少。
五．建议：1.第四段“analyzing primary education is analyzing higher education.”太绝对，加上in a way 语气婉转些




--燕婧1048311

[left][right]