Opportunity determines the destiny 1048305 刘梁娟

Knowledge can change one's destiny, it's a truth that believed by many people for a long time. I can not say it is wrong, obviously, the knowledge is the foundation of our real ability. However, what I want to say is that the person who is very successful in his career is not the most well-educated one, but the one who is good at grasping every opportunity. To some degree, I think not the knowledge, but the opportunity determines the destiny.
So far, I have heard many examples about that. For instance, one person who is graduated from a top-grade university and received the master even the doctor degree, but still can't find a good job. The reason is the economic crisis, the whole society is in depression. Many people were laid off, it's too hard to him to get employed. On the contrary, the other person who dropped out before high school, but he has a decent job and sufficient salary. The reason is that his manager see his potential in the job. The manager has belief on him and give him an opportunity to have a try. Obviously, he succeed in grasp this significant opportunity. Then he used all what he had learned to his job, ultimately, he succeed in his career.
Outwardly, it's a unequal phenomenon. The first man was so excellent that he should deserve a good job to full put his useful theories into practice. But the society is cruel and it can't change, what he should do is to accept the fact and try to get a job in another way. For the second man, in the beginning, he get the job was his fortune, but what he had gained at last was determined by its degree of effort.
As far as I'm concerned, the opportunity is much more determining than the knowledge, so we'd better grasp it every time. Once an opportunity slips away, it has gone for good and ever.

1.文中有10几处低级错误。
例如：
一个句子中有两个谓语：The reason is the economic crisis, the whole society is in depression.
定语从句与连词合用，缺少主语：On the contrary, the other person who dropped out before high school, but he has a decent job and sufficient salary.
多处主谓不一致：The reason is that his manager see his potential in the job.
一些主动用了被动：For instance, one person who is graduated from a top-grade university and received the master even the doctor degree, but still can't find a good job.
叙述事情，前后时态不一致：For the second man, in the beginning, he get the job was his fortune, but what he had gained at last was determined by its degree of effort..
冠词错误：Outwardly, it's a unequal phenomenon.
建议：个人猜测，作者写作完之后没有检查，才会有这些不该犯的低级错误，建议以后注意这一点。另外，写作完之后最好通读几遍，理一理不通顺之处，以便更好地润色文章。
2.总的来说，文章条理清晰，旨在论述Opportunity determines the destiny这一命题，但说理稍显牵强。
首先，用“Knowledge can change one's destiny, it's a truth that believed by many people for a long time.”引出话题，提出自己与many people不一样的见解：To some degree, I think not the knowledge, but the opportunity determines the destiny.
其次，用两个相反的例子来说明自己的观点：高学历者找不到好工作，然而高中没毕业的人却有一份令人艳羡的职业。但此处建议举两个具体的人名，介绍他们的背景及就业状况，然后进行分析，说理。这样的话，就会更令人信服，相反用one person, the other person 这样抽象的词，容易造成一种为了说理而虚构例子的感觉。
再者，初步给出了面对这一不公平的现实应才去的对策：暂时得不到机会的人应另找他法，得到机会的人应好好利用它，努力奋斗。
最后，提出箴言，我们该抓住每一个机会。
3.文中词汇使用较丰富恰当，但基本都是一些普通词汇，适当的高级词汇会另文章增彩；文中句式较为单一，适当使用一些从句，能给文章加分。

同上……，尤其后面，把我要说的都说了。