the defect of systems is the root of inequality 张园玉1048403

Admittedly, the saying that knowledge can change people's destiny is a kind of unshakable doctrine prevailing among people, especially among the ambitious young people. And as we all known , knowledge, or we can say education, is long praised as the great equalizer. However, it no longer seems to be performing as advertised any more .When we proclaim that knowledge is a kind of approach to achieve equality and change destiny for the people who live in low living standards and hold low social position, we ignore that education also creates opportunities for the students who have already had the strength in economy to magnify the social and economic inequality. But does that mean education has become an engine of inequality?
In order to get the rid of the foregoing doubt , first of all we should figure out the reality of equality. And Wikipedia presents a good explanation that equality means people have the comparatively equal rights and opportunities to participate programs of economy, politics, society and so on. Obviously ,among the definition comparative equality is emphasized. In the other words, there is no absolute equality and competition always exists, which will further the progress of our society. Based on this understanding, education just work as a platform on which people can develop themselves. And what they will be depends totally on each person's diligence without taking the origin disparity of economic power and politic status into consideration.To the conclusion, education itself can't be the engine of inequality. Now that education does not contribute to the cause of inequality, which can be the root or the key bringing inequality to the existence.?
The defects of all kinds of systems play a critically important role in exacerbating inequality in modern society, especially improvement of supervision systems .
When you know that someone get the admission of your university with the score less than what the university publicly requires and he or she can sit with you in the same room studying because his or her father or mother has strongly close relationship with the person , the president of the university alike.Do you think that social relationship, to some degree, becomes the engine of inequality. However, if we have made up with the defects of supervision system of rights in this university and left no opportunity for people to take advantage, such kind of things could be avoided. Namely, when someone get the promotion which was supposed to give you ,for he or she gives benefits to the manager of human resources in your company and the manager rightly receive the bribery and change his or her mind, do you think that the money can play all the things into roll. But if the company have had perfect supervision system to ensure everyone into place, money would not work well and you will right be the person who get the promotion because of your excellent performance.
All the phenomenon mentioned above reveal that we don't lack the solution of inequality and what we lack is an sufficient system to put such solutions into practice.

一. 语法错误：1.第一段的 "And as we all known" 应该改成 "And as we all know";
2.第二段开头 "get the ride of" 应该改成 "get ride of";
3.第二段的 "in the other words" 应该改成 "in other words";
4. 第二段倒数第三行 "And what they will be depends totally on each person's diligence" 应该改成 "And what they will totally depend on is their diligence"；
5.第二段的第五行，"education"是单数，表示一般现在时，后面的动词应该用第三人称单数"works"，同样的单复数错误出现在第四段的第一句话，第四段的第五行以及倒数第三行

二. 词语搭配不当：1.第四段第一句话 "the president of the university alike" 中 "alike"可以省略，因为前面已经有了 "your university"的陈述，所以这里的直接用 "the university" 就可以特指同一所大学的意思；
2.第四段的第四行 "if we have made up with the defects of supervision system" 根据上下文，作者应该想要用 "make up with" 表达“弥补”的意思，所以这里把它换成 "make up for"

三. 文章思路及结构：文章思路很清晰，结构明了，通过先否定知识是社会不平等的推动力这个观点，再来论述各种系统缺陷是社会不平等的根本原因，但是存在不足的就是，在论述社会各种系统的缺陷是社会不平等根本原因时，虽然举了两个例子，但是不够具有代表性以及广泛性，并不是很具有说服力，应该在此基础上再挖掘点深度。

第三部分应该是这篇文章的核心部分，但是从长度和内容来看，这部分没能很好的进行阐述，虽说提出了几个例子，但是具体的分析还不够透彻，希望修改时可以留意下。