better inequality 第三次作业 李婷

Better Inequality
Education brings unfairness. These words are keeping heard in recent days. Is it? Let’s put it on the stage and we will find such inequality is better than that equality results from changelessness and no comparison. Let me put it.
In some degree, education definitely can’t stand in balance between the poor and the rich, for the following three reasons as have been illustrated by some:
1st,the rich have the advantage of choosing a better primary school.
2nd ,then the rich can be better equipped for school, furthermore, they have much more access to extra classes, leading them a higher score related to scholarship and the admission of a better college as well as a splendid decoration on their resume.
3rd , parents will try their best to pave their children a way to the future , no doubt, these rich parents have more ways while the poor students are struggling on their own with their grey papers.
In conclusion, it seems that education has brought a deeper gap and inequality between the two kinds, poor and rich, standing against each other since the forming of society.
Dialectically, no education, no comparison , then no such inequality be viewed so obviously. Then what we will see? As Erla Zwingle said, those people(poor) out there should continue to live in a museum while we(some kinds of rich) will have showers that work. Thus we should see the issue from another view. Education had not prevalented to the poor, they are still the ones who get their bread from hands to mouth, they can not read or write, what they know is their surroundings within miles. Generation by generation, their minds can not be refreshed, then , the poor may be animalized involutionally， I think doubtlessly.
On the country, the rich be more and more civilized, definitely distinguished from the poor, evolutionally. Thousands years later or more, descendants of the educated rich will find that there are still some creatures of their looking, which actually are the offspring of the uneducated poor, on their land. Then , by experience of our existing history, we can see that the generation of rich must eager to civilize or conquer those savages. How to ? I can say, invasion, or even slaughter.
What a tragedy of human history. Luckily, this have not and will not happen in our forever history, I see.
Written by my easygoing pen, maybe a little exaggerate, and also with some kidding motion but seriously, my point is that better inequality, which indeed illustrates the progress of narrowing the gap between the rich and poor from the mind, and you know, mind determines.

Better Inequality
Education brings unfairness. These words are keeping heard【1】 in recent days. Is it?【2】 Let’s put it on the stage and we will find such inequality is better than that equality results 【3】from changelessness and no comparison. Let me put it.【4】
In【5】 some degree, education definitely can’t stand in balance between the poor and the rich, for the following three reasons as have been illustrated by some:
1st,【6】the rich have the advantage of choosing a better primary school.
2nd ,then 【7】the rich can be better equipped for school, furthermore, they have much more access to extra classes, leading them【8】 a higher score related to scholarship and the admission of a better college as well as a splendid decoration on their resume.
3rd , parents will try their best to pave 【9】their children a way to the future , no doubt【10】, these rich parents have more ways while the poor students are struggling on their own with their grey papers.
In conclusion, it seems that education has brought a deeper gap and inequality between the two kinds, poor and rich, standing against each other since the forming of society.
Dialectically, no education, no comparison , then no such inequality be viewed so obviously.【11】 Then what we will see? 【12】As Erla Zwingle said, those people(poor) out there should continue to live in a museum while we(some kinds of rich) will have showers that work. Thus we should see the issue from another view. Education had not prevalented to the poor, they【13】 are still the ones who get their bread from hands to mouth, they can not read or write, and what they know is their surroundings within miles. Generation by generation, their minds can not be refreshed, then , the poor may be animalized involutionally， I think doubtlessly.【14】
On the country, the rich be 【15】more and more civilized, definitely distinguished from the poor, evolutionally. Thousands years later or more, descendants of the educated rich will find that there are still some creatures of their looking, which actually are the offspring of the uneducated poor, on their land. Then , by experience of our existing history, we can see that the generation of rich must eager to civilize or conquer those savages. How to ? I can say,【16】 invasion, or even slaughter.
What a tragedy of human history.【17】 Luckily, this have 【18】not and will not happen in our forever history, I see.
Written by my easygoing pen, maybe a little exaggerate, and also with some kidding motion but seriously, 【19】my point is that better inequality, which indeed illustrates the progress of narrowing the gap between the rich and poor from the mind, and you know, mind determines. 【20】



comment notes:
【1】语法上are keeping heard 建议改为keep being heard
【2】前后人称单复数不一致，且表反问应该用否定形式，按原文应该改为“aren’t they？”，但前文在中有改动，则应改成don’t they?
【3】that equality results是语法错误，应该为the equality resulting，resulting 分词修饰equality
【4】Let me put it 是不完整的表达，改成Let me put it in the following way
【5】介词搭配错误，in 改成to
【6】在文章中，建议不用简写，直接写成first（后面的2nd，3rd同理）
【7】前面已经有2nd了，then就多余了
【8】leading them改成leading to
【9】pave 改成pave for，词组pave way for sb
【10】语法上，句子与句子间缺少连词，不能直接按中文用逗号连接，这里改成and no doubt ，另外，no doubt比较口语化，可以改成and there’s no doubt that
【11】本句语法上有些错乱，建议改成no such obvious inequality
【12】语法错误，what we will see应改成what will we see
【13】语法错误，they改成who，引导定语从句
【14】这句话感觉是多余的，并且比较口语化，建议去掉
【15】语法错误，be 改成are
【16】感觉比较中式英语
【17】这里是感叹句型，应用感叹号
【18】主谓一致的问题，have 改成has
【19】这里感觉挺凌乱的，建议省去些修饰成分，使读者更方便理解
【20】my point is that better inequality, which indeed illustrates the progress of narrowing the gap between the rich and poor from the mind, and you know, mind determines. 这个句子本身是有问题的，语法上都没有独立成句，“inequality, which”若直接改成inequality，语法上则理得通了。

总体评价：
通过文章能看出作者富有自己的思想，同时有引用Erla Zwingle所说的话来辅佐论证，丰富文章内容，但是应多注意语法等细节问题，还应在条理上多加注意。

Commented by高思婕

谢谢高思婕同学精彩的评论，你一定看得很辛苦吧，在此为我马大哈的行文表示歉意啦。
再次感激你不厌其烦充满耐心的为我找出如此多的语法，句法，词形等错误，真的是直戳要害啦，
只是关于这一点：Then what we will see? 【12】，我还有一点疑惑，希望能再请教一下下，W开头的特殊问句语序也是要颠倒的么？希望能再有交流啦，课上或者课下

Better Inequality
Education brings unfairness. These words keep being heard in recent days, don’t they? Let’s put it on the stage and we will find such inequality is better than that equality resulting from changelessness and no comparison. Let me put it in the following ways.
To some degree, education definitely can’t stand in balance between the poor and the rich, for the following three reasons as have been illustrated by some:
First , the rich have the advantage of choosing a better primary school.
Second the rich can be better equipped for school, furthermore, they have much more access to extra classes, leading to a higher score related to scholarship and the admission of a better college as well as a splendid decoration on their resume.
Third , parents will try their best to pave for their children a way to the future , and there is no doubt that, these rich parents have more ways while the poor students are struggling on their own with their grey papers.
In conclusion, it seems that education has brought a deeper gap and inequality between the two kinds, poor and rich, standing against each other since the forming of society.
Dialectically, no education, no comparison , then no such obvious inequality. Then what will we see? As Erla Zwingle said, those people(poor) out there should continue to live in a museum while we(some kinds of rich) will have showers that work. Thus we should see the issue from another view. Education had not prevalented to the poor, who are still the ones who get their bread from hands to mouth, they can not read or write, and what they know is their surroundings within miles. Generation by generation, their minds can not be refreshed, then , the poor may be animalized involutionally.
On the country, the rich are more and more civilized, definitely distinguished from the poor, evolutionally. Thousands years later or more, descendants of the educated rich will find that there are still some creatures of their looking, which actually are the offspring of the uneducated poor, on their land. Then , by experience of our existing history, we can see that the generation of rich must eager to civilize or conquer those savages. How to ? maybe invasion, or even slaughter.
What a tragedy of human history! Luckily, this has not and will not happen in our forever history, I see.
Written by my easygoing pen, maybe a little exaggerate, my point is that inequality in education , which indeed illustrates the progress of narrowing the gap between the rich and poor from the mind, and you know, mind determines. So , inequality will be better.

1048217 李婷 写道:
只是关于这一点：Then what we will see? 【12】，我还有一点疑惑，希望能再请教一下下，W开头的特殊问句语序也是要颠倒的么？希望能再有交流啦，课上或者课下

哦哦懂了，要在从句中语序才不变，嘿嘿